Dear Friend (a new mum)

11 months ago I had a baby. Here are things I wish I understood more before the last year. This is based on my experience and what I would tell myself. This may not be relevant to you -but just in case it is (and in no particular order).

• You are strong. Stronger and more powerful and resilient than you could ever have imagined. Be proud of yourself every moment you can. You should be!

• You are vulnerable. More vulnerable than you have almost ever been or will be. You need extra support, kindness, forgiveness - over and over. You need to know it's ok and you are doing amazingly, every day.

• Postpartum is not 2 weeks. It's not even 6 weeks or 1 year. It's the rest of your life. Don't rush your independence. Use support and be extra kind to yourself- not just for 2 weeks, 6 weeks or 3 months but for the whole year (at least!)

• Birth is not as much the last day of pregnancy as the first day of being a mum. Yours was hard. This mattered. It matters.

• How you feel and how you are treated matters. A day in the life of a new mum is not equal to the day of another adult.  This goes both ways.  20min to yourself can feel like 2 hours. No time at all is crushing. Kind words mean the world. Silence is deafening.

• You need to be kinder to yourself than you have ever been - not harsher.  You will spend more time in your head - how you speak to yourself matters. Be so kind, like you would to a friend. Do this over and over.

• Breath; in for four and out for more. Do this often throughout the day.

• Accept help. You are not less than or bad. You are not asking too much. Just say 'yes thank you'.

• Do not feel bad if the house is messy or you haven't made dinner. This is not on you. This is a team job. You are doing more than enough. 

• Get professional help - it is there. You do not have to break first. e.g. Pandas, talk therapy, physio, osteo, a cleaner, doctor, You don't need to be in pain.

• Over communicate with everyone ' I am struggling...I need...I need you to be kind'.

• Sleep deprivation is real. When you are so tired you won't even know you are the way you are because of this. You will be too tired to know. It changes your mind and body. Do not underestimate this. Be kind. Get help with other things. Lower your expectations of yourself.

• Trust yourself, always.

• Don't judge yourself. You can't control judgement of others but you can control your own self judgement. At least be on your own team. 

• You want validation. Let others know so they can give it to you. better still, learn to give it to yourself.

• Try to let the rage pass through you, not inhabit you.  A ship does not sink because it is in water, but if it lets the water in. Where you can, swap angry thoughts for self-compassionate thoughts. They are two sides of a coin,

• Motherhood will shine a light on your vulnerabilities, weaknesses and needs. This is hard. But also a chance to grow. Can you spot what yours might be?

• We know it takes a village to raise a baby. It actually takes a village to raise a mum; the biggest transformation in a life time.  No mum should feel or be alone. You are not alone.

• Try your hardest to eat well and move every day. Don't wait. Start now. Sit straight.

• You did it. You are doing it.

• You are enough

• You are loved.