Dear Bar,

You have been in my life for as long as I can remember. Since I had language and tried to use it properly. Since I corrected my older brother’s pronunciation of words. You have a distinct feel. I can’t see or hear you necessarily but there is a sense that you are always there. You are the voice that tells me to keep going, to push on. It is helpful but you also make me tired. You have helped me meet challenges, but you also come at a cost. Then and now. You have me believing that I can do anything really, but also that I should always be striving to do something. You make it hard to sit down, stay still and relax.

You keep me moving in life, always working toward something. There are all kinds of rewards in that. There is also a gratitude I have to you for that, especially when I look at my siblings or other people in my extended family. You have helped me feel like someone who can do things well. Someone who can solve problems, build skills, approach life. You have also left me vulnerable at times and feeling very sensitive and awful when I feel like I have not met your standards or when someone has thought I was not competent yet at something.

You are at your strongest with work and with friends. I feel like I need to be the best. Make others happy with my ‘performance’ as a friend. Do well at work and make the people I counsel feel better and view me as a good helper/ Make supervisors in particular think that I am competent and above average.

You are at your weakest when I am slow and calm and enjoying time with close friends. Sometimes it feels like you switch off or leave the room. I know you will probably be back, but it is a nice reprieve. Sometimes when I relax, I can let you leave.

I don’t know what to do about you. I am ambivalent, On the one hand I see your value, on the other hand I feel like I could use more rest and balance and would maybe have a happier and more peaceful life. I think if I could turn you on and off more purposefully and intentionally that I would love you a lot.

Maybe there is a way to work toward that, but I am not sure how. I haven’t really known life without you and I am not sure what it would feel like to have you gone or more distant. I don’t think I want you gone completely. Having supports around me is a good start I think. Trying less hard to submarine maybe. Having actual experiences of not hitting the mark, or getting stuff wrong and getting comfortable with the fact that I am learning.