Dear unknown,

The problem is that I don’t know you. I’m unfamiliar with what you are - what injury are you really - and I don’t know why you act the way that you do. Its hard to be proactive and conquer something that you don’t know much about.

Seeking professional help has only gotten me so far - even when I feel like I have sacrificed so much of my life to abide by their rules that they thought would help. I’m unsure now whether I go into “preservation mode” and hope that it eventually heals on it’s own, or whether I go “balls to the wall” cold turkey on walking on my leg at all, and sacrifice the little joys I have left in hopes that it heals faster. I do want to get back to 100%. 

It’s such a hard space to operate in - the cognitive load of decision making spans almost everything. Living in the unknown sucks, but of what i DO know, I know it’s not good. I feel scared, hopeless and that the light at the end of the tunnel keeps disappearing. I don’t have any other choice but to live in this limbo. I don’t feel supported, or happy with where I am. I feel defeated, and I can’t end the game. 

Ideally, I don’t want a relationship with the problem. I’ve learnt my lesson. Let me go!

Perhaps I want a more positive relationship with it. It’s definitely a test of character. I guess it is an event that will bring out who I am - the grit, determination and runner mentality can have it’s opportunity to shine through this way instead. I want to be able to know that I can overcome anything - when your identity is taken away from you, that you can improvise, shift your tact, take on new ways of expressing yourself. When your old life falls in shatters, that you can rebuild your life and replace each part of it. The resilience is being forced out of me (I didn’t get to decide or do any of this on my own terms) but either willingly or unwillingly, you need to be able to use that quality and let it shine.